Where the Hell Was Matt?! Return from Hiatus!

Posted by TitanMatt on June 11, 2018

So I've not updated the site in close to 2 years or made a post. The reasons for this are very in depth, but I'll try to cover them here. 

At the center of this was the biggest culprit, my mental heath. Now this wasnt the only contributing factor, but it was the primary one that wrecked my life & health for the better part of the last two years. 

In summer of 2016, I contracted a lung/chest infection after my girlfriend had a bout of bronchitis & I caught it from her. The entire run of the illness got way out of control & worse then I had ever experienced. For 6 weeks that summer, I couldnt breath without effort & pain. I couldnt sleep since laying down cut off my airway & it meant that I got short naps for over a month & a half, with little to no actual sleep. 

This also made me mostly unable to work effectively, & caused financial hardship on myself & my family because of it. The drugs we tried to use to counteract the illness didnt take, or I had severe allergic reactions to them. Drug reactions have been a constant in my life, as I am the happy receiver of all those side effects they put on the package. 

But even once the 6 weeks of pure wheezing hell was over with, my recovery wasnt over. For 6 months I experienced weakness, fatigue & letting my lungs just heal up from the shit they went though. I wasnt able to fully breath at night without issue till close to chirstmas but it was still bad, & by then the hell it had wracked on my body & mind had taken its toll. 

I had put on 50 lbs because of the inactivity, clocking in at over 35% body fat at 260 lbs. My self esteem & confidence was shattered, my anxiety & depressions had full control of my mind. I would go days without being able to do much then lay on the couch. 

Later around feb/march of 2017, we moved because another contributing factor was that the garage studio wasnt able to be heated or cooled at a point where I could maintain it. I was hemorrhaging money just trying not to swelter or freeze. Except for a narrow few months in the fall or spring, it was hell in that setup. 

So we moved to a bigger nicer place with a finished basement for me to work out of, & I suddenly noticed that my physical health was getting better. It wasnt until just a few months ago this year that we found out the old house, was filled with toxic mold, & since I worked from home I was breathing it in 24/7. The infection & weakening of my lungs gave it a chance to screw my system up, & is why I didnt fully recover until we moved. 

But like I said originally, these where just the triggers for my mind to cave in on itself. Physically I was out of shape, I couldnt look at myelf in the mirror with how things had gone that past year & my depression was so bad, I was still unable to break myself out. I then contacted my doctor who had been helping me with the physical illness, & got help for the mental problems. 

As I said though, side effect city. We spent months figuring out the right dose of anti depressants & anti anxieties to help me start getting back onto my feet. I started seeing a therapist & working through my issues, & most importantly around april/may I threw myself into tackling the physical issue of my weight. 

It took me almost the rest of 2017 to get back to a point which I could function on a day to day basis, & in december 2017, I got the diagnoses from my doctors that they believed my childhood diagnoses of ADHD was the main cause. 

Growing up in kentucky, from a poor family with little access to education or resources I had chalked it up to a bullshit diagnoses. My teachers where the ones who pushed it on me & my mom, not doctors, so I had always thought it was a load of crap. Color me surprised when they start listing off symptoms that where issues I'd had for years. 

We started me on ADHD meds at that point, & I started educating myself on the illness. I wont lie, that I did cry for joy when I found out that all the shame, the self hate, & the low self worth wasnt me, it was due to my ADHD having ruled me for so long. Just the simple knowledge that I knew WHY I was the way I was gave me a strength & determination to conquer this thing. 

So from the start of 2018, I've spent all that time learning how to handle this monster, & I've beaten it back. The depression & anxiety are gone. The things that lend themselves to making my ADHD worse are removed, & some of my knee jerk responses I never questioned have been reconditioned with the new found knowledge I have on how my brain works. 

As of this week I've rebooted the studio, & I've never felt this mentally sound, physically healthy or just flat out as happy as I am now. Its going to be a long road to getting Titan Terrain back on track, but I'm confident & determined to do so. 

To those I've let down, clients & friends, I ask for your forgiveness & give my most sincere apology. The thing about mental health is that we may not be able to control it, but its not an excuse or a get out of jail free card for dropping the ball or messing things up. It explains it, but it doesn't forgive it. I've got alot to atone for, but all I can do is ask people forgive my past mistakes & know that this is a new start for me. 

I may talk about my mental or physical health in the future, but this is really the only BIG post I'll be doing about it. I've got lots of plans for the studio, like narrative campaign battle reports, a new direction for how I handle terrain & lots of fun fun projects. 

Thanks to all of those who have helped support me during this trying time, & as always stay tuned for more awesome stuff. 

-Matt

 

Tags